Original Lede:
By now, most people in the area have at least heard of La Vernia native Kevin Kotzur. After a great high school basketball career for the Bears, Kevin made a short move to San Antonio where he attended St. Mary’s University. And it was at St. Mary’s that he proceeded to rewrite the record books.
New Lede:
Kevin Kotzur is rewriting the record books! It was not long ago that Kotzur was thrilling us as the hometown hero. We were fortunate that he stayed close to home and chose St Mary’s where his magic on the court reached a much larger audience.
My thoughts
This is about a fairly recent high school sports star who is moving up to bigger things. Everyone knows who it is. The original Lede does not grab the readers attention with the most important words "Kevin Kotzur" That is the story, everything else is a detail. That is why I made sure it was my first words.
When writing about a home town hero, people want to be connected to that person. He is the local celebrity. The person people talk about when they talk about their town. In my lede, I feed this by making the memory real and exciting. (Thrilling us). The original Lede just puts out bland technical information. The Original Lede also ends with the reason for the story. (Rewrite the record books) I start off with that. That is your power in the Lede.
The original lede sends Kotzur away. Mine maintains the connection.
Hometown pride is sweetly conveyed with the rewrite and draws me in--heck, I know nothing about basketball and want to read it.
ReplyDeleteTwo very minor issues;one of tautology: 'to home' can be deleted the second time. "We were fortunate that he stayed close [delete to home] and chose St Mary’s..." and one of specificity, I would add [basketball] court to distinguish it from tennis courts, etc.