My main concern with the old lede was that it didn't connect readers with the subject matter even though the rest of the story was somewhat sympathetic. Here's the old version:
Time is running out for a 20-year-old Pakistani exchange student who has been in a coma at a Duluth hospital for three months.
Here's my version:
Until a few months ago, Muhammad Shahzaib Bajwa, a 20-year-old exchange student from Pakistan, was just another undergraduate at the University of Wisconsin-Superior. He overslept and ate SpaghettiOs from the can. He spent too much time on Facebook and sang off-key renditions of Kelly Clarkson songs. But after falling into a coma following a car accident on November 13th, his former life is ancient history. And with medical bills piling up, and student visas expiring, Bajwa's family is struggling to keep him in the United States.
I think it would have been more effective to use quotes from Bajwa's family as an introduction to his backstory, but I obviously wasn't in a position to ask them. Also, he was a passionate feminist, which would have been a powerful thread.
Also, a little update: Muhammad Shahzaib Bajwa's insurance and visa problems have been squared away. He's staying in Minnesota for the foreseeable future.
Josh, I've been following this too and this is a lede I admire! I think the detail about feminism is important and thank you for mentioning, you wanted to weave that in. It speaks to those who perceive Muslim's in monotones and gives Muhammad depth! A tragic situation for sure!
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