Title: Syrian troops
bombard rebel stronghold of Yabroud
Old lede:
“Syrian government forces have resumed their bombardment of Yabroud, the last rebel stronghold in the Qalamoun mountains, activists say.”
“Syrian government forces have resumed their bombardment of Yabroud, the last rebel stronghold in the Qalamoun mountains, activists say.”
Revised version:
“More civilians have been killed and hundreds try to flee as Syrian government warplanes and artillery pound Yabroud, the last rebel stronghold in the Oalamoun mountains.”
“More civilians have been killed and hundreds try to flee as Syrian government warplanes and artillery pound Yabroud, the last rebel stronghold in the Oalamoun mountains.”
My comments:
Rather than simply repeat the title, which the old lede did more or less, I think my revised version does a better job of reflecting the brutality of the situation reported in this
piece. The article reports the large numbers of refugees making their way to
Lebanon, and those men who haven’t been able to leave, which, I think, is of
great interest to a reader and needs at least to be mentioned in order to draw attention and lead people to read on. I’ve also replaced the word “forces” with “warplanes
and artillery” as I think it creates a more accurate mental image of what’s actually
happened.
Loved the rewrite. I do know, as a reader, I tend to come for a more feeling mentality, than a visual or audio one. So, this was spot on for me.
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